What dreams may come...

What Dreams May Come

"You have to break in half to love somebody"

Somewhere not too long ago, I was introduced to this film by someone whom I should describe as very "unique" and "different".  Someone who thinks ahead of his time.  Someone who doesn't talk, think and feels like his age.  Someone who is deeply connected with the people around him.  Someone who speaks of love, faith and his eternal aspirations to save the world.  Someone who is emotionally vulnerable.  Someone who loves too much.  Someone who contemplated  to end his life many a time but loves his God too much to do so.

Today, I saw this movie.  It was aired on HBO.  Pure coincidence perhaps.  But it seems the television has been airing all the movies which transported me back to time.  Those carefree days that I've been told we've lost along the way... so as to speak.

Strangely, I didn't cry as I watched this movie.  I thought I would but I managed to watch it to the end without shedding a tear.  Even when it reached that part where not even death can keep Chris from his beloved wife, Ann, as he goes beyond Heaven and Hell to rescue his immortal love.

I decided to read more about this movie and found out that this movie title comes from a famous line in Hamlet's "To be, or not to be..." .  The soliloquy, spoken in the play by Prince Hamlet, who caused the death of a few and one being the love of his life, Ophelia, goes like this:

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of disprized love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office and the spurns

That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action."

In the movie, Chris's wife, Ann, said "Sometimes when you win, You lose"... this phrase made me think hard about many things that took place in our lives.  Then it hits me, this phrase has an uncanny affiliation to that same phrase he said the night before he left... "Sometimes what we want is not what we need"...

I recalled how drawn he looked as he spoke solemnly of those words.  I fiddled with my wedding band as I recapped that conversation we had that night... I teared as I digest the underlying truth of what he meant.  It wasn't just about the highflying power-craved career he grew to hate... but it entails everything he willed to happen in these 8 years.  Those he wanted oh so much... now he no longer needs.  What he really wanted weren't here.

Just like the painting we have in our room, 

bought in Chinatown two years ago... 

Pu Yi with all the power and wealth he being betrothed, 

stood behind layers and layers of doors in his palace, 

an unhappy child whose soul trapped within the royal comfort zone,

yearning for that "freedom" he can proudly call his own...

I am perhaps a constant reminder of the struggles he went thru.

I am a figment of his past which he is not particularly proud of.

Alas, I am but a woman, unwanted and loveless.

Just like that child I once was.