I spent too many days crying and wondering when he will come home. I tried to understand why he left to begin with. My days were mostly spent trying to get by without him around. It was horribly hard. Getting too used to being with someone dear for the past 8 years was pure blessing but his abrupt disappearance put my soul on a rollercoaster ride which will scar me forever. No one can understand the turmoil I faced each night having to put myself to sleep next to an empty space. No one would ever know of this. Not even him. Cause he chose not to. He no longer has that capacity to love, to care and to cherish all those things we once had. I never blame him nor can I bring myself to hate him.
As a child, I would always wonder when will Daddy stop his routine travel trips around the world. Mommy couldn't care less if I missed Daddy. Mommy thought I was used to being in a home where I'd spend most of my time alone. I was lonely, unloved and unwanted. I was an unhappy child underneath those expensive dresses, surrounded by abundance of toys behind those majestic gate down Namly Avenue. The happiest day in my life was when Enrique were brought home one sunny afternoon. As I looked at Enrique handsomely placed in his cradle, I solemnly made a promise to myself that I'll never let Enrique know what loneliness means. Even as a child, I never believe in sharing my woes with people cause I only want to share my happiness with them. I kept all my sadness to myself. Hence I grew up hoping I'll find happiness and love one day. I hope I can build a cosy home filled with love and laughter with a simple man who will not leave home with his travel bags without me. I longed to lead a simple life and share all the simple pleasures that life has to offer with the one I love. Little did I know what I wished for came with a heavy price tag.
Perhaps I didn't do much to prove my consistency in loving and caring him. Perhaps he wanted more. I walked around the house like a zombie, not knowing what to do. I lost all appetite to eat. I lost all will to live. This wasn't the first occasion he left me like this but this time somehow tore my heart into many pieces. That night when he left, I waited the whole nite thru. When he failed to come home, I knew he's gone. I wept bitterly and called out his name till I felt tired and fell asleep. Every waking hours I had at home was like going thru hell and back. I'd jump out of bed to see if he's at the door each time Lego barks in the middle of the night. I refused to change the bedspread cause I wanted his smell to linger awhile longer. I'd just call out "Dar" whenever I felt I haven't spoken a word for the whole day. I refused to answer everyone's call. I kept hoping my phone would ring and that familiar "love thing" tune by Joe Satriani would play. What an irony... even the ringtone song I set for all incoming calls that comes from him was played by a musician bearing almost the same name as his.
I waited and waited. I've been waiting for 8 years. Isn't 8 supposed to be a lucky number? We've reached our 8th year together... guess we just don't have such luck.
I spoke to my Mother In-law briefly on the phone that morning after he left. It took me every strength I had to not shed a tear. I bravely spoke to her like as if nothing was wrong with our marriage. I spoke to her like as if I knew he left for somewhere far away to take a break alone for awhile from his demanding career. I acted as if he had planned all these way ahead and pretended I was aware of it. She was very civil with me. Too civil for comfort. It reached a point where I felt there were absolute zero ties/connection between us anymore. We didn't touch the marriage issue. We simply talked about how lawyering turned him into an unhappy person. I can't remember how far we talked but She eventually went on to explain that the day we set our foot out of the family's household 2 years ago, both She and Pa has decided that they no longer want to care if we are doing things right or wrong for ourselves. They don't wish to know much about how we're coping with our life per se. In other words, they couldn't care less if our marriage has to end at some point of time due to their son's inability to be matured about life in general. She said that's how things are in the family when one decided to leave. She said if one is bold enough to walk out of their home, then one should not expect anything from them.
I thought She'd quietly care to know how I've been coping with life. I thought She'd have something kind to say knowing he's away. I thought I still have that life line to turn to in time like this... the last link I have with him.... I was wrong. Truth be told, I had contributed whatever She deem fits think I was supposed to. Now that I've somewhat accomplished that mission, I'm no longer a necessity and I should be reminded not to be a burden to the family in time of crisis. That was when I realised that my "purpose" which I spoke of too often to him finally ended there and then. I bade her goodbye and wept my tears away.
It pains me to know that life can take such a steep turn when I thought things are gonna get better. We embarked on that fateful journey in hoping to lead a decent living one day. We strived so hard to survive in a foreign land, braving the cruel cold weather. We were ostracized by our own fellow countrymen there and we only had each other. We spent many waking hours talking and hoping we'll cross that bittersweet journey thru the rainbow safely to bring us to that pot of gold waiting for us at the end of it. T'was painful, t'was very tough, but we made it thru and it made us stronger. So I thought. Then, it was "We" and now it's simply "Was"....
I vigilantly stood by his side despite those heart wrenching tears and agonising pleas for him to bring my ol' Joe back into my life. I begged him to hug me each time I broke down. I begged him to end my sufferings. I begged him for sympathy... I begged and I begged...
We had many wonderful times together and likewise, many hurtful incidences that broke our hearts... but I never once left. I had many options but I never did. I didn't want to. Just for one good reason. And it's called, Love.
Cause he once told me that if it's only Love that I ever wanted, it's Love that he can ever give....
I don't know anymore...
Wherever you are, I hope you are fine . I am not but I'll get by. I wish you well.
No comments:
Post a Comment